BOTH SIDES NOW:
Today marks day 18 since “the event”, my stroke. Today, closing in on two years of residency, I visited my mom at her memory care facility. Today was the hardest day since the event, a duplicitous day, being a caregiver & occasionally, more occasionally than I want to admit, needing care.

It was 4:33PM on my porch & I scrolled my favorite music streamer for tunes. And there he was, my man crush when it comes to voices, Josh Groban & his brilliant rendition of Joni Mitchell’s equally brilliant “Both Sides Now”. The perfect summation of a day that started before 3:00AM.

Started sore with a heavy arm & foot due to confused pathways between my brain & left side. Started cold due to reduced blood flow & a reduction in sensory processing that as long term friends know, I can ill afford any reduction in brain activity. Started drowsy, my desire for sleep & sleeplessness jousting, my eyelids their middle of the night tiltyard.

The soreness got no better as I left school early for a nap before visiting my mom. And the visit was hard, dementia’s next phase engaging, beginning to slow the step, increasing the sleep, increasing the quiet moments that are so loud. The sleep I craved at 3:00 in the morning consuming my mom in her chair.

Both sides now of leaning pro-life, jousting in the heart and mind. The belief that all life is sacred is twisted by the hypocrisy, the mental perversion of asking God, “why is she still here, what’s the point?” & the prayer of “God, she’s had a good run…”. On a side note, if you’ve never curled your toes over that ledge, been confronted with those unthinkable thoughts, don’t judge. The ledge is broad, wide, welcomes all battles and has an unlimited seating capacity.

The wounds got deeper as I said goodbye. My mom loved our family but she wasn’t a hugger. Today as I left, I hugged her and told her I loved her & told her to enjoy the ice cream that was being served. I let her go & she reached for another hug. I gave it and dropped my sunglasses from my forehead to over my eyes. It was a dark & tear filled walk to the car.

Miss Julie came home from another day at the pool around 6:00 armed with thumbprint cookies from a favorite bakery. A healing salve for a day of mental, emotional wounds mixed with a physical one as a car door tore through a shin arriving home.

There’ll be more scars and as The Goo Goo Dolls soundtrack a porch front sunset with “Name” & its shining lyric, “…scars are souvenirs you never lose…”. I’ve been scarred today, mentally, physically, emotionally.

Scarred when I said a word I don’t find impressive and shows a profound lack of imagination with my mother tongue with all the clean words that are available when it’s used but I used it as a car door did its epidural damage. Scarred by not being grateful enough for people that are looking out for me as I heal, the 1st grader that wants to know if my brain is better, the burly electrician & a high five in car line, the woman I’ve had a 40 year sleepover with, the women at work that fill in for the 40 year veteran from 8-3, 5th graders & paper clipped notes of gratitude. Like getting all the flowers at the funeral home without having to die. Scarred by the effort to be what my mom needs. Scarred by the occasional wounds of visiting.  Scarred by both sides of all of it…

“…Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day
Oh, I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win & lose & still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all…”

“Both Sides Now “
~~ Joni Mitchell ~~